I've asked for feedback on Nexus probably 100 times in the past few months.
You know how many times I actually wanted criticism? Maybe 10.
The other 90 times, I wanted someone to tell me I was on the right track. I wanted validation disguised as feedback.
And here's what I've learned from being on both sides of this: when someone asks for feedback, they almost never want you to be honest. They want you to confirm what they already believe while pretending you're being critical.
The feedback ritual
Here's how the "feedback" dance usually works:
Them: "Hey, can I get your feedback on my startup idea?"
What they're actually saying: "Please tell me this is good so I feel confident moving forward."
You: "Sure, what are you building?"
Them: [10-minute explanation of their idea with all the reasons it's going to work]
What they want: "That sounds great! You should build it."
What you give them: "Interesting! Have you thought about [some minor concern]?"
What happens: They explain why that concern isn't actually a problem, feel validated, and thank you for the "helpful feedback."
Nobody's mind changed. Nothing improved. But everyone feels productive because "feedback" happened.
Why honest feedback is rare
Real feedback is brutal. It's:
"This idea is overdone and you have no unique insight."
"Your UI is confusing and I don't understand what this does."
"I wouldn't use this and I don't know anyone who would."
"You're solving a problem that doesn't exist."
Most people can't handle hearing that. And most people can't handle saying it.
So instead we've created this elaborate social ritual where "feedback" means "gentle encouragement with some minor suggestions that don't question the core premise."
The validation market
I see this everywhere in the startup world:
Founder posts on Reddit: "Feedback on my MVP?" Translation: "Please validate my three months of work."
Someone shares a demo: "Any thoughts?" Translation: "Please tell me this is good enough to launch."
Asks for advice on pricing: "What do you think?" Translation: "Please confirm the price I already chose."
There's an entire economy built around giving and receiving validation disguised as feedback. Startup subreddits. Indie hacker communities. Slack groups. All of it is people seeking confirmation while calling it collaboration.
When feedback is actually wanted
The times I genuinely want brutal feedback:
When something is clearly broken and I don't know how to fix it. When users are churning and I need to know why. When revenue stalled and I need external perspective.
These are moments of desperation, not moments of "please review my pitch deck." And even then, I have to actively fight my instinct to defend every choice I made.
Real feedback-seeking looks like: "My users aren't coming back. I think it's because of X, but I'm not sure. What do you see?"
Fake feedback-seeking looks like: "Check out my app! Let me know what you think!" (subtext: please say nice things)
What people are actually afraid of
When someone won't give you honest feedback, it's usually because they're afraid of:
1. Being wrong. If they criticize your idea and it succeeds, they look stupid.
2. Hurting you. Most people are conflict-averse and don't want to be the "mean" one.
3. Seeming unsupportive. There's social pressure to encourage people's projects.
4. Wasting time. Why invest energy in detailed criticism if you're not going to listen anyway?
So they default to safe, encouraging feedback that can't be proven wrong and doesn't risk the relationship.
The brutal friends test
You know who gives actual feedback? People who:
Have enough respect for you to be honest
Don't care about being liked
Have skin in the game (co-founders, early employees, investors)
Have seen enough to know what works and what doesn't
Everyone else is just being nice.
If your friends tell you your startup idea is great, that means nothing. Friends are optimized for maintaining the friendship, not truth-telling.
If a potential customer tells you they'd definitely use your product, that means nothing. They're being polite.
If an investor passes on your idea, that's actually useful data. They have no incentive to lie to you.
What you should do instead
If you actually want feedback:
1. Stop asking for feedback on ideas. Ideas don't matter. Build something and get feedback on the actual thing.
2. Ask specific questions. Not "what do you think?" but "would you pay $X for this specific feature?"
3. Watch behavior, not words. Do they actually use it? Do they tell others? Do they pay?
4. Create space for honesty. Say "I genuinely want to know what's broken, even if it's harsh."
5. Don't defend. The second you start explaining why their criticism is wrong, they'll stop being honest.
And if you realize you're actually just seeking validation? Just admit it. Ask someone to hype you up. That's fine. But don't pretend it's feedback.
Why this matters
The validation economy is training founders to optimize for feeling good instead of being right.
You can spend months collecting "feedback" that makes you feel confident while building something nobody wants.
Or you can face the brutal truth early—most ideas are bad, most execution is mediocre, most products need radical changes—and actually iterate toward something that works.
One path feels better. The other path creates value.
Most people choose feeling better.
— Arjun